If you search the word “ally” online, your first result will be from Oxford Languages, defining the word as:
“…a state formally cooperating with another for a military or other purpose.”
This definition suggests ancient alliances between kingdoms in the days of knights and swords and castles, far removed from the circumstances of our current lives.
Yet its modern connotation is not so very different. Culturally, we now understand the word “ally” to mean joining forces with another in defense of their rights to equal treatment and autonomy. Not as romantic as knights and castles perhaps, but just as significant.
It’s easy to give lip-service to modern allyship without ever putting any skin in the game. Standing on the sidelines, comfortable in our privilege, it’s easy to virtue signal about how everyone should be treated equally without doing the slow, courageous work of facing our own biases and hang-ups.
Some are forced to confront themselves by coming face-to-face with otherness in someone they deeply love. Suddenly all they’ve preached about acceptance is met with the fire of reality and they must choose:
“Am I really ready to stand with someone I don’t understand, even at a cost to myself? Or am I all talk and no substance, ready to abandon others if it means I can stay comfortable?“
The impending arrival of Pride month promises to highlight the fractures of a Nation already painfully ideologically divided. Some find themselves already deeply entrenched on one side or the other. Others are questioning. For all of us, hearing about the journeys others have walked can be a lantern on the path to understanding.
Journey Into Allyship
For Donna, a 71-year-old woman living with her husband Mike in Rainer Beach, her journey into allyship began with her first job out of college over 40 years ago. In a time when few were openly out as gay, Donna found herself working with a staff of primarily lesbian women.
“I thought, ‘interesting, I don’t know anything about this,” Donna said. “My best friend at the time was lesbian. It felt really natural just to get to know who gay people were. They were people who loved like I did, had tough times in relationships like I did, it felt really normal. So that was my reality, gay people are just like me they just love people of a different gender than I love and what’s the big deal with that?”
Donna is the mother of adult twins, one of whom identifies as trans. At the time, Donna struggled with her trans child’s name change. Their birth name had special spiritual significance to her, and she wrestled with acceptance.
“After a while God said, ‘Donna, it doesn’t matter what your child’s name is. They are beloved by me and by you,’” Donna shared through tears. “The name doesn’t matter, the love matters. And,” she adds with a laugh, “if God told me this, who am I to argue? I have been really settled in my heart and spirit since that encounter with God. My child is not going against the identity God gave them; they’re coming into the identity God gave them.”
For Donna, allyship begins with curiosity.
“Probably my biggest piece of advice is to be curious, to ask questions, to seek advice from people in the queer community that you want to be allies of. [Ask them] what would help you? What do you want? Is there anything you want me to know to be your ally?”
She’s also quick to add that it isn’t the role of the LGBTQ+ community to educate. Part of being an ally is taking on the work yourself.
“I can’t rely on the queer community to tell me who to be, but I need to do my own reading and looking around, do my own work,” Donna explains. “When I felt triggered by my child’s name change, I didn’t talk to them about it. It wasn’t their responsibility. I talked to my therapist, my husband, and God. But for my child, I just called them by their new name.”
Curiosity is a theme that also echoes in the allyship journey of Benjamin, a Texas native and former SeaTac resident.
“From childhood we are taught to spot differences, like with the Sesame Street song, ‘One of These Things (Is Not Like the Others),’” Benjamin muses. “We learn to differentiate, to categorize, to divide, to discriminate. We learn our own attributes and define our identity of “self” as apart from others: “me” is not the same as “you”. Then we learn to group together: “we” are not the same as “them.” We separate the world into good and bad. It’s a very binary “either/or” approach, and given our aptitude for it, perhaps our brains are wired for it, I don’t know.”
For Benjamin, being curious about “otherness” is key to gaining the courage to step out of your pre-prescribed box and empathize with another’s experience.
“To me being an ally starts with stepping out of our egoic comfort zone and aligning with our shared humanity,” Benjamin explains, “to embrace complexity, adopt a “both/and” perspective, and to cool it with the judgement of good and bad. It is about recognizing how we are fundamentally interconnected and respecting one’s individuality. It is about appreciating our differences and knowing that our differences are an illusion. You and I are one and the same: we are both equally human. So being an ally means stepping aside to make room for an equal and letting no one be diminished.”
Both Donna and Benjamin’s perspective on allyship has another thread in common; one of personal responsibility.
“Being an ally isn’t about queer people, it’s about you,” Benjamin says. “It’s about learning to open your mind, being willing to evolve your perspective, and become a better person who can embrace the humanity of others.”
This personal accountability towards allyship sometimes means there’s a cost. Donna described losing some connections and community due to her refusal to be silent in the face of LGBTQ+ discrimination, particularly in the church.
“But it doesn’t feel like a sacrifice,” Donna is quick to add. “It feels like what any thinking, feeling, hearing person would do.”
Benjamin too is not afraid of standing in the line of fire in defense of members of the LGBTQ+ community, especially in Texas, where he relocated several years ago.
“These days I find I am more vocal when it comes to people who are non-binary and trans, he explains. “Where I live in Texas, people seem pretty accepting toward the concept of sexual identity, but gender identity seems like a newer concept to some people. It is important to me to normalize the use of preferred pronouns and names and to make respectful corrections of misgendering when the person isn’t present to speak for themselves.”
Donna agrees that being vocal is an imperative part of allyship.
“For me it has partly to do with normalizing queerness. If we don’t talk about it, pretend there’s no such thing, then it still is going to be thought of as weird, abnormal. It used to be part of the mental health manual as an illness, and it could go back there. If I look at you and say, ‘I only want to know these parts of you, you may want to show me [more], but I don’t want to know, that negates all of you.”
Stories like Donna’s and Benjamin’s highlight that, wherever we may be on our individual paths, there is one core that never changes—we are all humans. Achingly beautiful, struggling, humans. And the only power we have to mend the brokenness is holding our hands out to one another, shining the light of sincere, courageous connection over the chasm of differences, and finding that we are not so different, after all.
Show Your Allyship at Burien Pride
One way to show your allyship is to attend one of the largest PRIDE Festivals in South King County – Burien Pride, this coming weekend of May 30 – June 1, 2025.
“Our Mission is to unite the community through a symbol of unity, acceptance, and peace, fostering inclusivity and mutual respect for all,” organizers said.
Friday, May 30: Street Dance Party
All are welcome as we kick-off this weekend with a great dance party in the streets of Burien!
Saturday, May 31: All Day Street Festival
All-day Street Festival celebrating PRIDE with bands, DJ’s and Live Drag Performances! This is a family-friendly event and with a dedicated kids area.
Sunday, June 1: Drag Bingo & Pancakes
Drag Bingo: Helping to raise funds in support of the inaugural Burien PRIDE Scholarship.
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